Personal Notes on Being Human, Stardate 70455.06
Posted on Sat 16th Jun, 2018 @ 2:54am by Elizabeth Anderson M.D.
881 words; about a 4 minute read
I've decided I hate being so human. I never imagined how hard it was to live with emotions and to be so illogical. I'm not even fully human, and it's already driving me to madness. I've continued to learn more about how a human life is lived. There are many small things that determine great blocks of time or major life changes for humans.
Since my last such personal log, I have spent time talking with humans. There was the real estate person who helped me find a location for the clinic and my home. They are in the same building, which I hadn't imagined, as most humans seem to live in one place and work in another. I suppose I could have stayed in the guest quarters, but that's not what the Great Experiment is about, now is it?
Living like a human ... being human, thinking like a human, takes a great toll on me. I don't seem to be able to focus as much of my processing power on the logical functions. In fact, I sometimes find that emotions are ... hmm, gumming up the works, though that's an ancient human term for it. I don't find anything more accurate in the database to express how I feel. It's as if everything slows down, or only half my processors are working. I can only interpret this as energy diverted to building or experiencing emotions.
Back to my home-finding experience. The man who helped me was of a race with which I'm not very familiar, though I have met them before. He's Bajoran and seemed closed in, not very talkative. A strange occupation of service for one who perhaps doesn't really want to serve others? However, he did find a place ... just one. It was almost as though he didn't see a reason for choice. As it happens, the one he found works well, and maybe that's what he does, find what is best for a client and help them get it. He's different from Earth humanoids, though.
In my last log, I was concerned about finding suppliers of the things I need. Jade Lantz was quite helpful there, and within a day, I had furnishings for both my home and the office. I spent more time and money on the office, of course. Now that Damion's gone, there are no friends to come to my home to visit, and I really don't need to be completely human in my personal time.
I've set the main room of the second floor as a waiting room, which I hope will be comfortable and comforting, both, if anyone has to spend time there. There is also a small desk for a receptionist, in case I have hire one. I might, as it looks better if there are employees.
Everything in that room is greens and blues. Flavia Smith was helpful in finding a few plants and a painting that make a lovely focal point. There's no replicator, of course, in that room, but there's a wonderful new service where they supply large bottles of water which turn upside down into a container and people can dispense what they want from a little faucet. Quite ingenious really, and not truly new, but rediscovered in this time and place.
There are three offices down a hallway, and I carried the greens and blues through there. One is my own personal office space, one is a room to receive clients, and the last, for the moment, is empty. It's possible that I will fit it out for certain therapies, but that will wait for now. I could even take on a partner, I suppose. Again, not a decision for today.
The client room does have a small replicator, and I've stocked it with recipes for standard teas, juices, cookies and a couple of my favorite lunches, just to seem normal. I have no desk there, though there's a small table with one drawer, under the second picture Flavia found. It's an abstract in blues and lavenders, with just a hint of a bird shape in the middle. I quite like it myself, and I hope my clients will, too. When there are any. A comfortable sofa with two matching arm chairs and a table between them fill most of the rest of the room.
Upstairs, I have a bed in one room and a chair with a small side table in the main part of the apartment. Right now, it doesn't seem important to have more, though I suppose that means I'm not being human enough. I can only do so much. I remind myself I can't run before I crawl. Really, crawling is all I want to do. Or curling up in a ball, tight, with no room for the outside world to force its way in. I'm sure this is a result of the emotional roller coaster, but ....
Maybe I need to find a good engineer and get a once-over. And then I'm back to trust issues. I simply don't know who is trust-worthy. It might be time to break into SB109's database again and check backgrounds on some engineers. There must be one somewhere who is both competent and discreet. Right?
I really do hate being so human.
End log.
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