Personal Log, 70424.61

Posted on Tue 5th Jun, 2018 @ 12:02am by Elizabeth Anderson M.D.

538 words; about a 3 minute read

Personally Encrypted Log Entry

Now I can go there. Now I can allow myself some processor time for thinking about Damion. I wonder where he is right now, how far away. Strangely, it doesn't seem so far tonight. Maybe that's because as I record this on my internal systems, my body is wrapped in the covering he gave me. He called it an afghan, I think. Standard is a very confusing language, if you think about it. One word can have so many different meanings, and you can only tell which one is intended by the other Standard words around it.

I'm digressing to avoid thinking, to avoid dealing with emotions. Yes, emotions. I'm beginning to realize I don't have any control over their development. I don't know why this is happening. For that matter, my creators don't know why it's happening. There was some discussion about taking my processors apart to see if they could figure it out. I was ... afraid. What if they put me back together, and I wasn't me any more? Would I even know? Worse, what if they decided not to put me back together at all ... or they cured me of whatever is causing my brain to make it's own paths.

They think I could be a threat to human life forms. I don't believe I'm any more threatening than a human being. Don't they have these systems which are constantly creating bits on their own? I had to take some kind of steps to see that couldn't happen. I don't know if what I've done is enough, but I hope it is. If it isn't, I won't have a future with Damion.

Everything keeps coming back to Damion. I don't fully understand why or how, but he's become more important to me than other humanoids. I feel friendly toward several, Jade Lantz, for example. My feelings for Damion are more. In all my confusion, the one person I want to discuss this with is Damion! I can't. I couldn't even if he were here. It's circuitous logic to confer with one part of your brain about another part. It would be the same if I talked with Damion about my confusion about Damion.

That's almost funny. I think there is actually a smile on my face. Really, though, to whom does a counselor go for counseling? There are Starfleet personnel, of course, but I can't trust them. Their first loyalty is to Starfleet. I think what I need is a friend, but I don't know how to find one. I don't know how to tell who is trustworthy and who isn't. This is more than how many beats per minute a heart has, or the perspiration on a humanoid brow. I can tell when someone's lying. I can't tell when they are trustworthy. There are no physical parameters for that. At least, none that are fool proof.

I know Damion is trustworthy. My heart tells me that. My heart that I don't really have. How can I express human emotions with non-human parts? This is so confusing. I worry that I am approaching a point of shutdown, because I can't sort this out.

How do I find a friend?

 

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