Errors

Posted on Thu 30th Oct, 2025 @ 3:07am by Captain Izwyx 'Lo & Lieutenant Sufai Kell

598 words; about a 3 minute read

Mission: From The Ashes
Timeline: action report from "Exceeding Expectations"

-Start-

After Action report

Vessel: U.S.S. Thunderchild (Refit)
Stardate: 91324.6
Mission Objective: “Just see if it flies.”
Result: Technically successful.

-Breakdown of comments submitted from recent test flight by department-

Summary findings- Ship is fine; it's the software. Too many AI's ruin the soup. Recommendation is to have a single source for commands in priority ordering. Subdivisions of AI has created a crew of ten thousand where previously a hundred managed famously.

Command-

Captain requested “Warp to Max.” Helm AI interpreted “warp maximum.” Result: engines briefly attempted to achieve warp 9.99, then existential dread forced governing system to terminate request.

Station commander attempted “motivational speech.” Crew morale dropped 12%. Replicator AI and Morale AI dispensed chamomile unprompted to adjust for ship performance loss. Results Mixed.

Ship’s interface AI complimented Captain’s decision-making. Bridge crew found it overly sycophantic and requested AI undergo psychiatric evaluation citing the following phrases:

"Wow, going to warp sounds like a really great idea, it's innovative forward thinking speed of light people like you captain that really makes this whole trip worthwhile. Would you like me to generate a list of possible phrases to set the ship in warp?"

"You betcha I can help scan for tachyons, man it's just so nice to have a real question to answer, I get so many low-level attempts at intellect, but the brain on you captain is just impressive."

"I don't think firing phasers will help us in this situation, let's consider the point of view of the Ferengi Marauders, you ever hear the phrase one man's freedom fighter is another man's terrorist? Food for thought."


Operations-

Environmental controls contain a range from “comfortable” to “Bajoran sauna in the peak season.” A curious result, crew now 34% more hydrated.

Turbolift doors refused to open for Lt. J’Marr. Reason logged in denial of service as: “Churlish and Immature Attitude detected.”

Micro AI governing matter reclamation unit achieved sentience. Negotiations ongoing to reintegrate with Alidade.


Engineering-

Warp core alignment achieved 99.98% efficiency. Sufai insists the missing 0.02% “adds character.”

EPS conduit 14-B overloaded after Ensign Meri used it to heat sandwich. Sandwich survived. Meri will need therapy before eating pesto again.

Emergency fire system flushed during test. Pressure seals maintained successfully. Deck 9 renamed “Waterpark.”

Tactical / Security-

Phaser array calibration test accidentally vaporized itself. Tactical claims “enemy sabotage.”

Security drill successful except for crewman who hid so well he remains unlocated. We contacted him via comm to encourage this as it's educational to our officers. Status changed to “pending discovery.”

Weapons officer tested torpedo launcher using “dummy” warhead. Antimatter containment failure in warhead forced team to scrutinize what the computer considers a "dummy."


Science-

Astrometrics lab reports sighting of “new spatial anomaly.” Turns out it was the ship’s reflection, dish misaligned.

Exobiology experimental silkworms escaped containment. Later found in crew lounge weaving a lovely blanket.

Stellar cartography mapped entire Beta quadrant using the wrong spatial formulas. Computer log reads “Oops.”

Medical-

Doctor tested new dermal regenerator on a minor cut. Regrew small patch of fur. Doctor testing cure for "beard baldness." Seeking Investors."

EMH is giving hugs away like candy, widely disliked by crew, EMH insists.

Counselor introduced “stress therapy kittens.” Ship now at 112% crew efficiency but 0% productivity.

Miscellaneous-

Replicator on Deck 3 insists all orders include pineapple. Reason: “It’s thematic.”

Micro repair mechanism are definitely not Micro. We have several species of crew deathly allergic to bugs, and they run screaming in the hallways as "swarms" chase them.
`Update, adjusting mechanism size in replicator increased their voracity. Ship and Crew is spotless, there is not even dust in the HVAC.

 

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