Nasty Orion Experiments

Posted on Thu 4th Nov, 2021 @ 10:55pm by Criswell Sandbags
Edited on on Sat 14th May, 2022 @ 6:21am

1,391 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: A Good Day to Hunt
Location: Orchids & Jazz
Timeline: MD-4, 1345

"Orchids and Jazz," Criswell said, looking at the plaque naming the establishment he was about to enter. If there was one thing he hated more than flowers, he thought, it was archaic Earth music. Now now, his inner voice intoned, You don't really mean that. Just because father hated gardening and mother disliked anything terran, yourself excluded, doesn't mean you need to adopt the same habits. Flowers are pretty, and music is nice. Go ahead and give it a try.

Nervously rubbing his earlobes, he entered the restaurant and was immediately hit with live Jazz music and ambiance. Being supper time, the place was full. Criswell wondered if this was the type of place one might fly through a window on his way out, maybe after looking at someone the wrong way... no, he decided. The place was crowded, but like most Federation stations, everyone seemed to be smiling and having a good time. That wasn't always Criswell's kind of place, but he was relieved nonetheless. He wasn't in the mood for rowdy tonight. Despite his adventures the past month, he had come into some money in the last few days after robbing that Romulan woman blind on a previous stop during a game of Bagomie. It had been an honest win, at least the last three rounds had been honest, and he now had enough to afford a nice room at the Starbase's hotel.

He approached the bar with a wide and toothy grin, his teeth perfectly straight and brightly white. His father had not made him sharpen his teeth after a failed attempt left Criswell in intense pain for several weeks when he was still a small child. Clearly hu-mon teeth were too weak for the Ferengi customs. His father was very forgiving, saying that it was probably better for Criswell to look hu-mon since he was hu-mon. Mother had agreed of course, after Father insisted she should.

“Excuse me," he asked the bartender in his usual jovial tone. "Are you able to make a Nasty Orion? It's a drink I had in the bar of an establishment I visited very near here. Quite good!”

"Never heard of it," Jade said, leaning on her side of the beautiful wooden bar with interest. "If you know how to make it, I'm willing to give it a try, though." She eyed the human who, while he appeared of Terran origin, didn't seem quite right. Wondering where he'd grown up and with whom, she waited for his answer.

Criswell shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure. The main ingredient is..." he stopped, trying to think. "It's... erm... it's green."

"That makes sense, with Orion in the name, but not enough to duplicate the drink you're thinking about. Is it sweet or sour? Nasty makes it sound as if it might be sour. I can just experiment, if you like, but I'm not likely to hit on it by accident." She held her hand across the shiny wooden surface. "I'm Jade Lantz, owner of this club, by the way. Welcome to SB109."

Criswell extended his hand and gave a firm handshake, flashing her his most charming smile. "It is good to meet you, Miss Lantz! My name is Criswell Fassbottim Sandbags!" He peered over at the bar. "The Nasty Orion was a fruity kind of cocktail, with a powerful 'kick' at the end, like drinking a sour apple with a chaser of razor blades. I think it's far superior to its cousin, the gargle-blaster, but then I'm not really much for lemon flavor; gives me the worst heartburn!"

"No lemon Coke for you, then. That's our specialty Earth drink," she explained. "If you're willing to try a few experiments, I'm willing to make them, but with synthahol to start with, so you don't get too woozy before we know what we have. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Sandbags. Call me Jade. Almost everyone does. Would you like some pie or chocolate cake with your drinks? We have an outstanding chef here. Or ... have you missed lunch?"

Criswell's eyes lit up at the suggestion. "I would love something to eat!" he said. "In fact, this is my first time to be on a Federation starbase. I am hoo... human, but I have never tried human food. What would you suggest?"

How curious Jade thought, but she did run into all kinds of people on a starbase. It was one of the things that made running the club so interesting. "Well, now, if you're asking about my personal favorite, I have to know how you feel about eating animal meat. Is that something you have experience with or feelings about?"

Criswell's face lit up. "I do enjoy animal meat!" he said with a grin. "My mother would feed me the juiciest slugs growing up! After leaving my home, I did try other foods as well. The Klingons make amazingly tasty food! The strangest thing I've ever eaten was a Vulcan salad. I'd never tried vegetables before, but I found them quite enjoyable! I would love to try your 'personal favorite.'"

"Well, then, alright!" Jade grinned. "A man with adventure in his soul. My mother used to make the best beef pot roast with potatoes and carrots and celery. My chef, Marin Holmes, makes it almost as tasty. I think you'll like it."

Criswell grinned with excitement. "I don't know what any of those foods are, but the word 'roast' makes it sound interesting!"

"The rich meat flavors mingle with the vegetables as she slow cooks it for hours," Jade said. "And to top it off, it will have to be Death by Chocolate Cake for dessert."

Criswell clapped his hands together. "A dessert so good it kills you? I love the idea! I assume there's a way to survive it..."

Jade laughed, "I don't think we've actually lost anyone to it yet, but if one made a steady diet of the cake, it could happen. Let me put that order in for you, and we'll begin some Nasty Orion experiments. Who knows? Maybe Orchids & Jazz will have a new specialty drink by the time we finish!"

After putting the order into the system, Jade came back with a shaker, a tall glass, some celery sticks and three bottles of green liquid. "This," she presented the first bottle, "is a distilled version of maté, a drink from the South American continent of Earth."

Setting it down, she picked up the second bottle. "You mentioned you enjoyed Klingon foods, so I thought maybe this Klingon version of Firewine might suit your palate."

Picking up the third bottle, Jade grinned, "And this is something given to me by an Orion who was looking for a favor. I have no idea what it is, except it's alcoholic and it's made by Orions." Setting the bottle down, she rubbed her hands together, and then turned to pluck a clear bottle from the shelf behind her.

"The trick is proportion. Let's start with a little dry vermouth from Earth. It's a good mixer." Dropping some celery into the blender, she mashed it to bits and then poured off about half a shot glass of liquid and added it to the shaker. "Now ... which of these should have the most impact on the drink? Any preference for this first experiment?" she shot a glance at the human in front of her who watched her every move.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Criswell asked in a friendly tone. "You're already putting my life on the line with the chocolate ...."

Jade paused before adding anything else. "I have synthahol, but not in these flavors, if it worries you. It's up to you, but you also don't have to drink the total of any experiment. Just a sip should tell you if it's anything like what you want."

"OK then!" Criswell said. "Let's do it!"

{Sometime later.}

"So none of these comes close?" Jade asked after more than an hour of experimenting, interrupted by the occasional mid-afternoon customer. "I guess that's not too surprising, considering there could be hundreds of possible flavors with thousands of different combinations. Was there anything that you actually liked among them all?"

Stay tuned to find out if a Nasty Orion becomes an Orchids & Jazz staple!

 

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