A Purulent Journal-Stardate 040423.95

Posted on Sun 4th Apr, 2021 @ 10:23pm by Purulence Addams
Edited on Tue 6th Apr, 2021 @ 2:04am

531 words; about a 3 minute read

When I was in my teens and as a young adult, I clung to art because I felt it was the only thing I was good at, my only marketable skill. I was fat--fatter than my Dad, I think--bizarrely dark-skinned among a family of deathly pale relatives, not the bookish sort as a kid, and felt like decidedly the odd girl out.

Now I am dating a man who tells me I severely undervalue myself.

Ignatius is so different from Henry, it boggles my mind sometimes.

People wonder what I ever saw in Henry--even his own band members wondered. But it was simple. Back then, Henry and I were kindred spirits in a way. We both hated ourselves and wanted to be something else. We were both relieved beyond words to find someone else who understood. It was great! I adored him--until I realized how selfish and controlling he was and how terrified I was of losing his affection, and I realized that I didn't ever want to need a man so much that I'd allow myself to be so controlled by him, to the detriment of my own happiness.

I should have listened to Mother sooner. She told me, "Your father treats me like a queen, and that is how a man who says he loves you should treat you, my daughter--as his queen, who he adores, never as his slave. And he should be worthy of your equally fervent adoration of him."

I'm not sure that I would want my parents' marriage, but I do know that I would have been miserable with Henry. And I do know that I can't wait to see Ignatius, every single day. When we first met, I distrusted the attraction I felt for him. I'm over that now. I've seen the real guy and gotten to know him. I've drawn him several times. He wants me to be a part of his life, and I want him to be a part of mine.

I'm even over being terrified to love him now. I'm not making the same mistake that I did with Henry in loving Ignatius. He's a completely different man. He doesn't ask that I be beautiful for him to show off; he asks that I learn skills.

A man who wants me to challenge myself--that is the way in which Ignatius treats me as a queen. He has high expectations of me and holds himself to the same standard.

So all this extensive preamble is why I'm going to start an HR consulting business--and might even branch out into behavioral consulting, now that I think of it. I've been useful to police and Intelligence before. Why limit myself?

I think I will talk to Schemy and Chlamy about it first, though. This is going to require planning, and it's going to require designing and tailoring the business. I will have to do a lot of preparation before I can truly start. And I know how desperately I suck at planning anything. :P

I'm a bit worried because I think I should feel more scared of this prospect than I do. Instead, I'm getting excited about it.

 

RSS Feed

Comments (1)