Personal Log: Dancing Around the Subject

Posted on Sat 13th Mar, 2021 @ 9:38pm by Lieutenant Damion Ildaran

511 words; about a 3 minute read

This evening, I admitted to Elizabeth how very important she has become in my life, to the point that, during my meeting with Andrus this morning, I actually broached the idea of taking on more of an analyst role. I don't think I would have done that if this offer from SCIS had not come up. I would have continued taking whatever field assignments were given me and slowly become more and more discontented without quite realizing why. When I spoke with Daisy Pantoufle yesterday morning I was thinking about that, and it all coalesced. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted and why I wanted it. When I spoke with Elizabeth this evening, I knew I was making the right decision to leave off being an infiltration specialist.

When you infiltrate you have to be on your game, alert to your situation and the people around you during most of your waking hours. It can be exhausting. You learn to sleep with one eye open, as the Terrans say. You cannot spend your free moments thinking about the woman you'd rather be with and how very much you'd rather be with her than wherever you are.

I'm not stupid, and I have about a decade of experience in this kind of work. I wouldn't really spend all my free moments longing for Elizabeth like some lovesick fool. But I would spend enough of them doing so, and even that small amount could be the difference between mission success or failure, life and death. It's too much to risk in my line of work. So I welcomed Agent Pantoufle's offer even if I told her I would have to think about it. I am happy to do occasional field work, but I no longer want a career in it.

And so, this evening--Talking with Elizabeth is one of the great joys of my life, in no small part because I always learn something new about her, a situation, or about myself. She always leaves me with things to think about. This evening I learned that she doesn't seem nearly as uncomfortable with my feelings about her as I had feared. I didn't say I loved her, because I'm not sure if she's ready to hear that.

I think we dance around the subject a bit--because, after all, she's only, what, 14? I'd like for her to have at least 18 years of existence as a sentient being before I come on that strong. I think that, and then I wonder if I'm being an idiot, because she is far more mature than any 14 year-old kid I ever met.

But she's not so experienced in love, and she 's still learning how emotions work. So I am determined to give her time to grow into it.

Patience is extremely difficult--character-building, as my Dad would say. There are days when I want to chuck 'Character' off into an ion storm somewhere.

Yes, definitely time to quit infiltration. Past time to. I'll see what Agent Pantoufle has to say about this job and then decide.

 

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