An Addams Invasion

Posted on Thu 17th May, 2018 @ 7:10am by Purulence Addams

1,305 words; about a 7 minute read

Mission: Brushfires
Location: Baby Invasion, Deck 623, Promenade
Timeline: Current

The sound of ancient Earth heavy metal music blared out the glass and neon front doorway of the Baby Invasion shop as Purulence, Chlamydia, and Ischemia approached it. "Today, they're playing Metallica," Purulence murmured as she led her sisters toward the storefront. "Here's what I wanted you to see before we head over to Baby Blues. isn't it the cutest thing? A baby cradle shaped like Cthulhu!"

The cradle had been designed in such a way that the green cephalopod-like deity's tentacles formed the rockers of the cradle and also made a rounded depression where a baby could lie, nestled in curling green tentacles of some kind of polished wood. Cthulhu's head rose above the headboard of the cradle, looking as if it were prepared to devour whatever drowsy infant might be laid to sleep in it.

"Who lives in a sepulcher under the sea?" Chlamydia asked, rhetorically. "All moody and angry and squamous is he!"

"Oh, is that what squamous means?" Purulence said to Chlamydia, like a cat pouncing on a new toy. "I always wondered about squamous cell carcinoma but was too lazy to look it up."

"You know," Ischemia said, beginning with her negotiator's voice, "this baby is not an Addams and doesn't have the Addams ... ah, genetic tendencies toward the ... hmm, eccentric. This would be absolutely perfect if you were having a baby, Purulence. Perhaps we should buy it, Chlamy, and put it away for our sister's future Addams progeny?"

"What child doesn't like cephalopods?" Chlamydia asked.

With a soft sigh, Ischemia confessed, "I have never been particularly fond of them, to tell you the truth ... and green doesn't make it more appealing. Now, if you were to suggest that," she pointed at a shelf above their heads. "I could get behind sharing the cost of that."

On the shelf sat a wizened-looking troll in bright blue coat and red hat. Of course, he wasn't an actual troll, but a stuffed version of one, the kind you might see in a fairy tale. He was probably much larger than the baby in question, but babies grew and trolls didn't. At least, not the kind Ischemia knew. There was something about the eyes ... well, no matter, they'll never support the idea of a troll.

"Yes, the troll is fine," Chlamydia said absently. "Nice colors, soft edges, nothing too easy to pull off and choke on." She went back to the previous topic with more interest, "but really... you don't like cephalopods, Schemy? Has that always been the case? But Papa had that beautiful oceanarium with the coral and the blue-ringed octopus! I used to love to watch it tear apart crabs. And Nine! Nine was positively obsessed with octopodes! Why, she...." Chlamydia trailed off, her eyes going blank for a long moment.

The sisters glanced at each other and Ischemia, raised an eyebrow as she nodded at Chlamydia. To Purulence, she mouthed, "Nine? Who is Nine?"

Purulence gave Chlamydia a worried look and shrugged at Ischemia, mouthing, "Don't know." She glanced again at Chlamydia and whispered, "It's like she's resetting to default."

Absently, Chlamydia picked the plush troll from the shelf. "Yes, this will do nicely," she said. "Nice bright colors for neural stimulation, soft edges, and nothing that will come off and cause a choking hazard."

A former conversation with Dr. Sister was tickling at the back of Ischemia's mind, but she couldn't pull it out. Shrugging, she said, "As long as we have the doctor's approval, we should definitely buy that. Now what else? No paint sets, sweetie," she told Purulence. "Maybe for her second birthday, but right now, she'd just choke on them." She observed Chlamydia, wondering if she should ask her about Nine. She'd used the word like a child's name, but ... who named their children after numbers? Even for an Addams that was a bit odd. Had the good doctor been involved with training children in some way?

"I wonder if the Borg ever have children," Purulence said out of the blue, "or if they just--" She made a vague gesture and grimaced--"assimilate them?" She gave Chlamydia a sidelong glance and then picked up a fluffy, beige and brown stuffed cat whose dour facial expression caught her eye. "Oh, and this comes with a book! The Little Grumpy Cat That Wouldn't. This looks cute."

"Oh, look!" Chlamydia said, "plush microbes! The tardigrade is delightful, but look at the e. coli! Oh, they must have... oh, yes, here it is!" She held up a green plush with black button eyes and green nobules on top. "Chlamydia! It comes in a set with gonorrhea and syphilis!"

"I'm so glad I was not named Gonorrhea," Purulence said. "My favorite is the West Nile virus one." She picked up a beige plush cube with knobby, rounded edges and black bedroom eyes that were outlined with the black Egyptian eye hieroglyph. She nodded to the plush microbe that Chlamydia held. "And best of all, Lt. Cmdr. Collins will enjoy those, too. She's a biologist, isn't she?"

"Are you sure?" Ischemia asked, doubtfully. "These are supposed to be for the baby, you know. Maybe we should stick with something more ... ah, you know just more." She looked around, hoping to see something that fit the feeling of more ... but the troll was as close as it came. "Wait; what about when they take the baby out? Won't they need some kind of bag to hold ... whatever babies use up a lot?" In a way, it amused her to realize that Chlamydia knew more about babies than either she or Purulence!

"Half the fun of baby toys is that the parents get to play with them, too," Purulence replied. She put the West Nile virus plush microbe into her shopping bag, along with the stuffed Grumpy Cat and accompanying book. "I think diaper bags are on the other side of the store."

Chlamydia turned and looked at Ischemia incredulously. "If I didn't see our dear mother every time I look at you, Schemy, sometimes I would have to ask if you were adopted. An Addams is more; we need not strive for it."

Suitably chastened, though that wasn't what she had meant, really. The word normal came to mind, but she pushed it out again. As Chlamy said, an Addams was more, and normal didn't enter into it.

"Right you are, dear sister. I stand corrected. Fill the bag with adorable diseases," she teased the doctor. "while I find something to hold them all in the baby's room." Wandering, she came across large containers shaped as submarines and petri dishes, space ships and Erlynmeyer Flasks, but nothing caught her attention until she saw a replica of the famous Resolute Desk from the 1800s. She knew immediately that it was expensive, but she could hardly resist the beautiful replicated carvings, even knowing it wasn't wood grown in an actual tree. In the end, she couldn't resist getting it.

"You know," she said, as she wandered back to her sisters, after making delivery arrangements, "shopping for babies is really more about the buyer than the baby."

"Of course it is," Chlamydia answered, packing her microbes into one of the petri dishes. "After all, the baby has just arrived. We don't know who she is, yet!"

"You know, Ischemia's right," Purulence said. "We should get something practical. This is Commander Collins' first baby, isn't it? She won't have much in the way of supplies. Maybe some bibs and receiving blankets? An outfit or two? Or replicator credits for a month's supply of diapers?"

"I have long thought it would be more practical to simply put a replicator on the child's bottom," Chlamydia observed. "Or at least, more efficient."

 

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