Criswell & Purulence's Excellent Breakfast
Posted on Sat 3rd Jun, 2023 @ 6:10am by Purulence Addams & Criswell Sandbags
1,183 words; about a 6 minute read
Mission:
Neither Yours Nor Mine
Location: Shake & Slake Diner, Deck 1552
Timeline: MD-3, 1015 hours
Previously, on SB-109:
"This is perfect!" Criswell replied, taking his seat at the bar. He picked up one of the menus in front of him. "Most of my experiences with hoo-mon food is from the buffet at the casino. There's a really good selection there, but they don't serve breakfast. I've seen pictures of hoo... hyoo-mon breakfast foods, though. They look very different from what's usually considered dinner."
"Yes, they do," Purulence agreed as Anne left them to look over their menus. "I sometimes wonder how that came about. How did we decide that scrambled eggs and toast are great breakfast food? Why don't we have oatmeal at supper? On the other hand, some Earth cultures go all out for breakfast when they have the time, and you'll see foods that most people would save for later in the day eaten at breakfast. I usually regard ham as lunch or supper food, but there are people who will eat it for breakfast." She gave him a curious look. "What did you like to eat for breakfast on Ferenginar?"
"Pretty much the same things we had for lunch and dinner," Criswell said. "While I find Ferengi food very tasty, I feel like we... I mean 'they,'" he corrected, "are less creative than other races. What about you? What should I try today?"
"I like diner food and 24-hour breakfast," Purulence admitted. "I'm interested in the pancakes. I'll have to run them off later, if I want to fit into my wedding dress, but I'm thinking a tall stack--of four pancakes--drenched in butter and syrup would suit me. The French toast here is also good."
"Perhaps I'll try the French toast," Criswell said, perusing the menu in front of him. "I enjoy regular toast, but French toast sounds interesting. I've heard of a hoo-mon custom called the French kiss, but I don't really know what that is."
Purulence chuckled. "I'd offer to show you, but Ignatius would probably object." She gave Criswell a curious look. "How do Ferengis show affection to each other? I mean romantic affection, not just friendliness."
Criswell smiled bashfully. "I once asked Father that question. He told me no hoo-mon would understand. So I asked a friend from school and he told me. Turned out Father was right..." Criswell blushed. "I've never gotten my earlobes to work like that."
"Earlobes? That's different," Purulence said. She pondered the idea as Anne came and took their orders. "Yeah, I don't think human ears work quite that way. It feels nice when someone you love caresses your earlobes, but it doesn't make a human want to melt." She blushed, but it couldn't be seen, given the darkness of her skin. "Erm, not all the time, anyway. Maybe what you need is for the emotions to be there."
"It's good to hear another hoo... hyoo-mon say that about earlobes," Criswell said. "I was afraid I was the only one!"
"No, you aren't," Purulence assured him, smiling. "I could go into more detail, but I maybe shouldn't, here." She gave Criswell a speculative look. "So mainly what you know is Ferengi courting customs, right? Which--hm. I can't imagine what they're like, if the women are naked on Ferenginar. You probably have no idea what's proper for humans, do you?"
Criswell bashfully shook his head. "This is the longest conversation I've had with a hyoo-mon woman on the topic. They're all usually gone by this point. Actually, the men are too." Suddenly, he looked Purulence in the eyes. It was a behavior somewhat foreign to him, but then so was this conversation. He asked her, "Am I weird?"
"You're asking me?" Purulence fought not to laugh. "I'm probably the wrong person to ask. I--and my entire family--are generally considered to be very weird." She looked back at Criswell. "You're a little odd for a human. You're very self-deprecating and you make great efforts not to be noticed. You come across as being more naïve than you really are--except there are moments when you truly are that naive.
"But think about it. You were raised by people who aren't humans. It only makes sense that you're unfamiliar with how we act. That self-deprecation--it's because you were raised in a place where you never felt that you quite measured up, except at home, where you were loved and nurtured, but in a Ferengi way. Being Ferengi makes you feel confident because you were loved there, and you know what the expectations are, even if Ferengi society never entirely accepted you. You have no idea what humans expect."
Purulence smiled at him. "I'll tell you this--I like you as a person more than I like most Ferengi I've met. You're good, all the way down, Criswell. I could see it when I painted you. I think, when you finally settle on someone, you'll choose well."
"I hope so," Criswell said with forlorn in his voice. His expression changed then. His eyes were moving back and forth, as if in doing so he would eventually find exactly what was confusing him. He asked, "Why do people think you are weird?"
Purulence grinned. "First of all, I'm an Addams, and Addamses are weird humans. We don't care; we like it. How am I weird? Well, my skin color is very dark, while the rest of my immediate family are pale complected. I have twelve toes. I can break glass when I scream. I think octopuses are cute, and I'm the only person in my family who is into sports. My favorite Earth team is the Baltimore Ravens. And I can barely do algebra."
Criswell was stunned, shocked, and baffled. He could hardly believe his tiny hoo-mon ears. "Well, I suppose some of that might be a little strange, but... you're bad at algebra?!" he exclaimed. "On Ferenginar, that is extremely weird. I learned algebra by the age of X minus B equals negative C, and I didn't even need to carry the one! However, I didn't learn to read until I was ella-menno-pee."
Purulence grinned at the algebra joke. But the rest of it? She blinked. "What is ella-menno-pee? I get L, M, N, O, P, but how does that relate to your age when you learned to read?"
Criswell's eyes widened and darted, and he clenched his hands together. "I was... attempting a crossover joke, like the algebra equation for my age, and the year I can read being letters... I-I thought I was being funny. My father always told me that joke. Was it not funny? I know that Ferengi humor sometimes offends other races. It's why I don't tell jokes very often."
"No, I'm not offended," Purulence said and smiled at him. "I was just confused for a moment. You were doing the same thing with reading as you did for the algebra part of the joke. I get it, now. I was just expecting at some point to know how old you actually were when you learned to read and do algebra."
(More to come!)
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