Better with Eggnog

Posted on Mon 3rd Jan, 2022 @ 6:55am by Purulence Addams & Ignatius Collins

945 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: A Good Day to Hunt
Location: The Hangman's Noose
Timeline: New Year's Day, 2396, 2200 hours

It feels good to be home, Ignatius Collins thought as he contentedly sipped a Bass shandy in his and Purulence's favorite booth at The Hangman's Noose. It startled him to realize that Starbase 109 had become home. Or maybe it was simply that home was wherever he could sit across from Purulence Addams and twitch his nose at her, making her smile uncontrollably.

I could do this all night. I never want to stop doing this. She looks adorable when she's trying desperately not to laugh..

"Will you stop it!" Purulence exclaimed, wadding up the napkin under her water glass and tossing it at his nose.

"Stop what?" Ignatius asked with an innocent look as he twitched his nose again.

"You are maddening! How does your crew put up with you?" Purulence plucked her drink napkin from where it had fallen to Ignatius' empty plate, smoothed it, and placed it back under her water glass.

"Um, my charm and good looks?"

"Yeah, I'll bet that really works well on Sipov," Purulence retorted.

"Oh, Sipov is all about the money," Ignatius said. "That guy has a nose for business like you wouldn't believe. I will bet you credits to latinum that he'll be a major competitor with us in five years--if he can handle hauling minerals back and forth. I really think, though, that he'd like more challenging piloting work. I want to see if I can find some of that for him."

"I like a man who wants to develop his employees." Purulence raised her glass of eggnog to Ignatius in a toasting gesture.

"Employee development?" Ignatius wrinkled his nose. "You've been studying Human Resources too much. It's Christmas break; knock it off. Actually, it's self preservation. If I can find interesting piloting work for Sipov to do, he might not try to start a competing company as soon as he otherwise would."

"Ahhhh," Purulence drawled. "Always thinking. Big of you."

"He's also an excellent pilot, and I would hate to lose him," Ignatius admitted, serious now. "We've had some of the most interesting conversations. I've never been to Breen space; not sure I'd ever want to go, but I like learning about people like that from him and how they do things differently than we do--and why." Ignatius sipped from his shandy again. "But enough about Sipov. How're your classes going?"

Purulence groaned. "Just shoot me now. I can handle the accounting; I can handle the statistics. The algebra is kicking my butt."

"Algebra? That's elementary school stuff."

"I know!" Purulence sighed. "I can't figure out i. And the quadratic formula--it makes my brain hurt. I just want this stupid class to end! If Mrs. Jones leaves home, traveling at 60 kph, two hours after Mr. Jones leaves, traveling at 40 kph, when will Mrs. Jones catch up with Mr. Jones? The answer is: I don't care!"

Ignatius' eyes widened. "That's...basic math." He paused, chagrined. "I was a real idiot to suggest that you learn piloting, wasn't I?"

Purulence knocked back the last of her eggnog. "Yes, you were." She waved at their waitress, Lifiaden. "Could you bring me another eggnog, please--with bourbon?" She glanced at Ignatius. "Want one?"

Ignatius nodded.

"Make that two," Purulence told the waitress. She looked back at Ignatius. "So I'm being tutored, and the tutoring is torture. I just want to curl up into a ball sometimes and wish the world would go away."

Ignatius clasped Purulence's hand where it lay on the table. "I wish I could be here to help you." He kissed her black, black fingers and then gave her a wry look. "But I'm afraid you might start to hate me if I tried tutoring you."

Purulence gave Ignatius a mischievous look. "Well, see, the difference between you and my math tutor is, she never wiggles her nose at me."

"And she probably never gets you drunk on eggnog, either."

Purulence laughed. "Algebra would be so much better with eggnog!"

"If you let me tutor you in algebra, I'll bring two liters of it to our first session. Minus the bourbon."

"Well, that's no fun!" Purulence gave a dramatic sigh. She batted her eyelashes at him. "You'll have to make it up in other ways."

"Well, with encouragement like that...." Ignatius paused. "I've been meaning to ask you something."

"Oh? What?" Purulence said as Ignatius slid out of the booth.

Then he took Purulence's hand in his and sank to one knee before her, just as Lifiaden approached with their fresh glasses of eggnog. "Purulence Addams, will you brighten my life by marrying me, and may I brighten yours by marrying you--and helping you with algebra whenever I'm home?"

Her eyes eyes went huge, and her lips formed an O of something between amazement and horror. She shook but didn't let go of his hand.

Ignatius could see the wheels turning in her head--the shock, the joy, the look of impenetrable dread. A leaden weight seemed to fill Ignatius' chest. His shoulders lowered slightly. Oh, no. I asked too soon. She's still afraid of--

Purulence squeezed her eyes shut. She took deep breaths. Then she opened her eyes and looked at him.

Her eyes seemed to be saying something to him, and Ignatius suddenly figured it out. He wiggled his nose at her.

With a sobbing gasp, Purulence relaxed from frozen terror and then flung her arms around him. "Yes! Yes, Ignatius Collins! I will marry you and no one else."

Above their heads, Lifiaden spoke. "Congratulations! I'll just, ah, leave these here." And she set their eggnogs on the table.

 

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