I sally forth to seek my prey

Posted on Thu 4th Oct, 2018 @ 6:38am by Purulence Addams

960 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Oblivion
Location: Crimson Assurance, Near Federation Space

Bump!
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"Is the eye patch straight?" Pubert asked his wife. "And where did I put my meat hook?"

Gloriana reached out and touched the patch, not so much to straighten as to reassure. "You are the very picture of a pirate king," she said. "You leave the hooking to your hirelings and stand back, every inch the commander." Perhaps inch was a poor choice of words, she thought instantly and added a little French to distract him. "Mon magnifique commandant, mon petit chou."

"Glory!" Pubert exclaimed, "You know what it does to me when you speak French!" He leaned in toward her, with the clear intent of kissing her neck.

The Romulan in the corner cleared her throat. "Perhaps later you might explore that more fully. In the mean time, the Warp Vessel Black Ink in All Columns awaits our attention."

"Thank you, Bos'un Smee," Captain Pubert said, his tone indicating that the words did not mean what they appeared to mean. "Later," he promised his wife, his eyes smoldering with passion. He turned toward the Bos'un. "Lay on, MacDuff! And devil take him who first cries 'hold! it is enough!'"

The Romulan sighed almost silently. She'd given up on getting the Captain to remember that her name was actually t'Shek, not Smee; now he was going to call her MacDuff as well? "Yes, sir. Let us then adjourn to the bridge." She started toward the door, spotted a gleam of metal, picked it up. "Your meat hook, sir."

"Thank you Smee!" Pubert accepted the implement and swept out the doors and into the corridor.

Gloriana let a smile touch her lips before wiping it away as she stepped into the corridor behind her husband, and following him to the bridge.

The doors opened, and Pubert Addams swept onto the bridge of Crimson Assurance. "It's time for some Piracy!" he announced, sounding jolly. "Ignatius old man! Good to see you. What have we got?"

Ignatius looked up from the sensory computer. "We have a Raven-class freighter, sir...which can most graciously be described as 'venerable.' With a name like Black Ink in All Columns, I suspected Ferengi manufacture--but the name is painted on the hull in Federation Standard Zapf Chancery calligraphy. Her cargo seems to be primarily textiles. I did some digging and tracked down her current manifest. She's carrying Rigellian brocades and some quite fine Bajoran jacquard silk--impossible to replicate." Ignatius shook his head. "Who the hell uses jacquard for bed sheets? Anyway, there's a cargo hold full of exquisite fabrics, packaged luxury bed linen sets, and something shielded, which I suspect is the ship's safe. With that much shielding activated, it's possible the thing contains latinum or at least something of value."

"Silk, just think of it," Gloriana purred into Pubert's ear. "Soft and shiny, so many beautiful things. Latinum, or possibly jewels. It sounds like quite a prize ... if it isn't a trap. Do you think it's too good to be true?"

Someday, soon, I'd like to be nuzzling Purulence's ear like that, Ignatius thought as he returned his attention to the sensors. What possessed me to take such a roundabout course to Starbase 109? We could have been married by now if I'd just gone straight there. Neither of us would have been worried about the other. But there was no sense in fretting over what might have been.

"Witchy-poo!" Pubert said, glancing over at the Signals Warfare station. It wasn't that uncommon to refer to the signals warfare officer as a "witch," their responsibilities being so far removed from general experience, but the young woman with the thick glasses, nubbly purple bathrobe, and tribble slippers looked at Addams with stretched patience at her newly-assigned nickname. "Do you have control over their systems, yet?"

"Yes, si... Cap'n. I can stop their plant and bring down their shields on your command."

"Excellent!" Pubert checked his eye patch again, impaled his cigar on the point of his meat-hook, and instructed, "Put me on their main viewscreen!" As the tiny command deck of a commercial freighter appeared on their own screen, Addams cleared his throat. "Avast ye, me hearties! It is I, Captain Daggerbeard, here to seize your booties!"

"Captain Daggerbeard?" the captain of the freighter said, incredulously. "But sir, you're -"

From his post at the sensory console, Ignatius faced the screen and lifted a finger to his lips.

"Cap'n Daggerbeard," Pubert repeated, hoisting his meat-hook to take a puff from the cigar impaled on the end. "We have gained control of your ship. We control your weapons." He glanced at the signals witch, who nodded as she took the ship's rudimentary weapon system offline. "We control your shields." The consternation of the watch officers on the viewscreen told him Witchy-poo had performed the task of taking them offline, as well. "And we control your engines." Everything went dark on the other ship's bridge, except for emergency lighting. "For the next hour, sit quietly, and no harm will come to you. You'll have a wonderful tale to tell about how you survived Space Pirates in space."

Addams looked at the executive officer. "Bos'n Smee! Is the boarding party ready?"

Grimacing at the name their boss insisted on using, the woman said, "Ready, willing and able!"

Glory cautioned the boarding party, menace in every word "Now boys, don't forget. If you kill someone, or rough them up too enthusiastically, that's a ransom we lose. If we lose," she paused dramatically and smiled in a way that made each toughened pirate shiver, "you lose, ... the ransom, and possibly, your head."

The group of men nodded rapidly, before she decided to make an example of one of them.

 

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