Letter to Adam - 02012393

Posted on Sat 27th Jul, 2019 @ 12:55pm by Ignatius Collins

712 words; about a 4 minute read

Dear Adam,

You've probably been wondering where the Hell I've been. I apologize for the delayed response. I had an unsuccessful run-in with pirates out in the Triangle. They seized the Venuleia as a prize ship and took my cargo, a one-ton chunk of (TA-972381). They put me in an empty cabin because they looked up my name after I identified myself. I frankly wasn't thinking when I gave them my name; I was too pissed off. Probably a good thing I told them who I was, because I suspect it saved my life.

Anyway, the story gets weirder. After I had been a 'guest' of our so-friendly pirates for about three weeks, I get a visit from this married couple. You could tell they were married. He called himself Captain Daggerbeard, and she called herself Gloriana. Funny; she doesn't look a bit like Elizabeth I, but who am I to judge?

They explained that they had boarded the ship in a hostile takeover and that Captain Whathisface was dead. Oo-kayyyy. It seems Ms. Gloriana slit his throat with her razor-sharp fingernails. Did you ever see a movie called The House of the Golden Crysanthemums? There's this Chinese queen in it who does a lot of embroidery (somehow) with nine-inch fingernails. That's what Gloriana's were like. I don't see how she does anything practical. The pair interviewed me--that's essentially what it was--and at the end of it, they asked if I'd be willing to join their pirate crew aboard the Crimson Assurance.

At that point, I was so bored with being stuck in that cabin, I'd have scrubbed the decks with a toothbrush just to get out of there. I became their Officer of the Deck, which pretty much meant I was in charge on the bridge if Daggerbeard or Gloriana weren't around.

And we pirated. First one rich cargo, then another fell to Daggerbeard's charm and panache--That's what it seemed like to me, because we never fired a shot, and we never killed anyone. I couldn't understand it. If they'd tried that on me, I'd have told them to FOAD and to get out of my way, because I had work to do.

I elected not to tell them my real name, since they didn't give me theirs, so I was known on the ship as Rockhound. Daggerbeard had nicknames for everyone. Our coms officer was called Witchypoo; the former XO was called Smee. I kept thinking Subject-Matter Expert, but it's actually the XO of Captain Hook's ship--you know, from Peter Pan.

At long last, a Captain Malice Munster of Starfleet captured us--or, more accurately, Daggerbeard surrendered to her. At that point, he called me and Witchypoo into his ready room and had a come-to-Jesus moment with me. It seemed the two of them were Pubert and Gloriana Addams of New York, out for a bit of espionage under the guise of jolly pirating. Witchypoo is their Cousin Cookie.

Captain Munster hauled our happy butts to Starbase 109, which is where I am now.

Once I knew their identities and had a moment, I looked up Pubuert and Gloriana. They own a controlling interest in Darkness Holdings, engaging in interstellar shipping, among other things. Take a look at their prospectus, Adam, and tell me what you think. Me, I think they could make worthwhile business partners. You know how Warren Buffett always used to say that he preferred to do business with people who he knew well? Granted, you don't know the Addamses well yet, but I like what I've seen.

Give me a ping back, once you've had a look at their balance sheet.

I'm going to stay here on 109 for a bit. Sure, I could book passage home tomorrow, but to be honest, I want to not be on a ship for a while. They've got actual trees and a river on the starbase; it's astounding. I want to soak in some nature before I have to be stuck inside another cabin for any length of time. Seriously, I felt like I was in Cousin Barnabas' coffin. There's a fun thought.

Best wishes,

Ignatius

PS: Yes, I've written to the folks. If Mother has been calling you, fretting, she can stop now.

 

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