Over the Rainbow?

Posted on Wed 16th May, 2018 @ 9:29pm by Lieutenant Damion Ildaran

995 words; about a 5 minute read

Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star,
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me,
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops.
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why, then, oh why can't I?

If happy little blue birds fly beyond the rainbow,
Why, oh why can't I?

---

I am completely baffled by this song. Had to look up 'rainbow' to find out what it is, because I've never seen one, having lived underground or on starships most of my life. Now that I've looked it up I understand what it is, but I am still confused. I had to look up lullaby, too--but at least I know what those are; we just call them 'songs you sing to babies' at home.

Rainbows are quite lovely, ethereal, and startling to look at. I see why they've been used as a symbol for unity among disparate peoples across the Federation. What I don't understand is this land up high above the rainbow and the daring to dream dreams that come true thing.

I'm guessing it's all metaphors for some abstract concept or several. That's usually the case when the literal meaning of something makes no sense to me.

It never ceases to amaze me that I, the human being of us two, am the one who is all literal, and Elizabeth, a holographic woman, has such a breath-taking, intuitive understanding of metaphor.

What is clear to me about this song is that it expresses longing, powerful longing, for something that seems unattainable, and it makes me wonder what Elizabeth longs for, in this land beyond the rainbow. What does it signify to her? What dreams does she want to dream? I want to understand because it's important to her, and what's important to her is important to me. Elizabeth never does anything that is trivial. Everything I've ever known her to do, say, or thinik had a purpose. I like that about her. Life is too short to waste.

So this is the point at which I have to stop dissecting the song and simply listen to its mood. It's how I got through Shakespeare and Simon & Garfunkel, too. Some messages, you just have to feel.

At least it will give me something interesting to think about, once I assume my cover identity.

---

My feelings about Elizabeth are a jumbled mess right now. I'll see if I can untangle them.

1. I think I am in love with her--or falling in love with her. It's hard for me to say, because I've never felt this way for anyone before. Home is not the sort of place that encourages what I'm feeling now. Sure, I dated back home, but I never felt for any of those girls the way I do for Elizabeth.

2. I'm--worried. If I am in love with her--should I allow myself to be, or should I resist the impulse? Will it harm her if I love her? Maybe not. But will it harm her if I love her and act on it? And--what does 'acting on it' mean? A kiss? More? I know what it could mean down the road. I know what it definitely would mean if she were entirely human, and this is where the 'jumbled mess' aspect of my feelings starts.

Meaning, I have never been the sort of man who would go to a holo-brothel, and I don't think much of people who use them. My feeling is, they should have spine enough to date real people; it's just healthier. Except Elizabeth is a real person in all the ways that matter to me, and I have considered her to be a person in every sense of the word since the second time we met.

Elizabeth is not some holographic character created for my amusement or titillation. I don't care what the composition of her body or brain is; she is a person, period, with complexity--and an exceedingly admirable person, at that.

It's enough to make me wonder if I've gone daft--and I don't dare take this to a counselor. I'm afraid they'd tell me I was fixating on her in an inappropriate way, afraid they'd try to convince me she was a fetish object, or something. The idea makes me sick. I know what all that is about. It works for some people; they like it. Fine for them. But Elizabeth is nothing like that. A fetish object does not talk to you about God and beauty and rainbows, and mean what she says. A fetish object does not understand the deeper nature of those things and want to know my opinion of them.

Right?

Please, God, if there is a God, tell me that's so. Let this be real and decent.

If I'm clear that she's a person, not a thing I want to use, then taking things where they could go someday can't be bad, unless that is something she doesn't want. So I'll wait for Elizabeth to take the lead on that. And if she never does, that is something I will simply need to respect.

Tonight, while we were dancing, I wanted to kiss her so much, just once.

At some point, I suspect we will talk about this, but I'm not ready for it. I'm too joyous, embarrassed, confused, and shaken right now. Too afraid I would express myself badly and muck it all up. I don't want to lose her friendship for the sake of feelings I don't even know if I should be having.

 

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