... Or am I losing my mind?
Posted on Wed 31st Aug, 2022 @ 11:44pm by Commander Mikaela Locke
Edited on Wed 31st Aug, 2022 @ 11:50pm
520 words; about a 3 minute read
"Personal log, Mikaela Locke. Stardate seven-four-three-four-seven point nine.
My conversation with Doctor Addams seemed to confirm what I had feared. My memory is somehow degrading. To what extent, she doesn't know. Nor does she understand the reason behind it. Neither of which was particularly helpful. In fact, I'm more than a little frustrated that the doctor wasn't able to offer an explanation. I can't be certain, but I'm fairly sure that I wasn't experiencing any loss of memory before my visits to Boreth and New Sydney, which lead me to suspect that I may have been exposed to something that has triggered these effects.
However, without more information, it's hard to know how to proceed. Unfortunately, for now, the only thing that I can do is gather more data. Which means waiting around to see if my memory declines further, and at what rate, to try and establish whether this is a normal human phenomenon, and, as I'm getting older, whatever it is that enabled my enhanced abilities in the first place is simply 'wearing off' or breaking down, or whether the rate of decline suggests an external influence. Either way I have to wait.
And I'm not good at waiting.
In general, I'm not good at waiting, but even more so when the thing I have to wait for concerns such an integral part of who I am. Ever since my late childhood, my identity has been intrinsically linked to my ability to recall information. It's how I completed my degree in half the usual time; it's how I got into Starfleet and it's became one of the best intelligence analysts Starfleet has ever seen.
What if I was only able to do all of that because of a genetic fluke, which is now being taken away from me?
What if I can't even do my job anymore, because I'm unable to recall all the essential things I need to know as a Starbase Commander.
Will Starfleet even want me if I'm just... me?
Maybe I should talk to Paul. Although, he has trouble separating our personal relationship from our professional one. He does this thing where he pretends like he's not psychoanalysing me - he's just listening to me chatting about my day or whatever - but then he'll drop in a not-so-subtle question, like 'how did that make me feel?' and whether he knows it or not, he's slipped right back into counselling mode.
I probably need a counsellor right now... But it really shouldn't be him. If I talk to him, I need to talk to him as my partner...
What...
What if he doesn't want me if I'm just... me? What if my 'ability' is the thing that make me attractive to him in the first place?
...
...
Crap.
I really do need to see a counsellor.
Computer, set reminder to contact Counsellor Guillory in the morning.
I never used to set reminders. But these days, who knows if I'll just wake up and forget.
Maybe I'm over reacting...
...
Or maybe I'm losing my [REDACTED] mind.
Computer end log."
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